wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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