I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
