So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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