its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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