Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
