He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
