My friends, they love my intelligence
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
