I am in a vortex of obligation.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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