You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
