I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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