Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
