if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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