If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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