There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize