i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
