I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
