Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
