First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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