I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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