I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
