Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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