a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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