3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize