Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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