gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's no shave November. This is our time.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize