in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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