She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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