i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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