Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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