have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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