Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
