In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
