and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
