How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
