She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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