My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
