god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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