Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
