No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
