if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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