a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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