so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
