bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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