Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
