My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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