Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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