Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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