Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
