I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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