she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize