The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
