hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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