I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize