she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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