recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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