I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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