tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
