The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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