You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
