I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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