I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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