i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
